Wedding Blooz - Part II

On the eve of the D-day I try my best to act as if it's someone else's wedding on the morrow. Certainly not me. Denial - stage 3. Well, it almost works ... till my brood of boisterous cousins finds me hiding out on the terrace. So then starts the most awful bit of ragging that I've ever had the misfortune to undergo. Even college was safe compared to this!

I could free myself from those merciless goons only when it was nearing midnight and that too coz mom came and shooed them out saying I needed my sleep. Then she sat down to tell me to get a good night's sleep, eat something in the morning - 'What do you want for breakfast?' - not to worry about anything (as if!).... yadda, yadda, yap, yap. Finally, I said 'Ma, you are the one working into a tizzy, not me. I'm alright.'

On the morning of my wedding day, there was a state-wide 'bandh'. Well, in Kerala every other day is a Bandh for something or the other. This time it was over the Petroleum minister's called for resignation over the rise in fuel prices - like the man was lining his pockets with the amount raised (which could very well be likely, for all we idiots know about how politics works). The bandh was enough to send blood pressures soaring through the roof. I thought mom would faint. Thankfully, all my myriad uncles (blood relations as well as those married into the family) got together to draw up plans for the marriage cavalcade. Yes indeed! A cavalcade that involved my car being the flagship ... er, flag-bearer ... erm, chief patsy ... well, whatever ... the lead car, followed by 3 hired ATVs (carrying my assortment of uncles, aunts, cousins, babes and drivers) followed by a Volvo bus filled with another variation of the same assortment followed yet by a last car ... the rear end of this cartoon procession. All the vehicles had 'Marriage' printed in Malayalam, stuck to their windscreens.

When we see a video of a marriage, everyone Oohs and Aahs over everything. For once, I was facing the heat, literally!! Video shooting is a sweaty business!! Yuck! There I was ... decked to the nines in a ton of gold and wearing a heavy brocade curtain ... sorry, sari with yet another ton of gold threads on it. All in all, I'd be sure to break the weighing scales. Through all this, the one fact that I was most cognisant of was this - sweat running down your spine and seeping into your underclothes has got to be the most savagely ticklish event in the entire blessed Universe!!! And you cannot scratch in public!! LOLOLOL

Part III to follow soon. Toodles again.

Confused Confucious say 'Wedding Blooz be no colour to think of'

Actually, there's no relevance between the Title and whatever gibberish I intend to spout in here. LOL

Over the last two months, life did a couple of dizzying cartwheels - I got married and then fell in love - in precisely that order! LOLOLOL It's a dizzy feeling, so forgive me if I sound ditzy!

When one attends weddings, all we see is the beautiful decor, the gorgeous bride, the handsome groom, well-dressed relatives, the scrumptious reception lunch/dinner, et al. For a change, I was on the other side of the fence, and believe me, it's a harrowing experience!!

First, the engagement - book hall 3 months in advance, pay upfront half the (bomb) amount of the booking, get the caterers to do what you want (though come D-day, they do what they want) for the menu, get on the phone and call up all and sundry in the family (get ready for some very pissed-off people who count themselves as 'family' regardless of blood status!). 3 days before the Engagement - find a hair dresser who won't end up making you look like the Wicked Witch of the East on a bad hair day. Then on the day, you coax (threaten), cajole (arm-twist) and convince (blackmail) your best buddy to apply that gunk called 'make-up' on your mug ... sorry, face. Which she does and you can't believe you look like THAT ... that can't be me. Well ... ahem... ok.

Then comes the Wedding Preparations. No matter what you have amassed to this day, consider its value to be zilch, especially if you are being married in Kerala. That state, believe me, is the be-all and end-all consumer of Gold. There's so much gold in a Mallu wedding, it nauseates me!! Argh!!

Anyway, since I too had to be part of the circus, I couldn't avoid it. My aunts dragged me to a gold shop (yet another one in a long, winding line of jewellery shoppings) because they deemed that the length of one of my necklaces (!!!!) wasn't enough!! Oh, madre dios!! (That's Spanish for 'Dear mother of God' - trivia...)

As if that rigmarole wasn't enough, they also dragged me to UMPTEEN sessions with a beautician whose sole aim in life at that time was to drag my already fragile hair through a highway of curlers, rollers, iron clips and whatnots. Plus, she and her minions pounded, kneaded, rubbed, massaged and plucked my face into their version of 'glowing' and 'bride-like' ... OUCH!!!

Then the blouse-fitting ... 'if aint cutting off your breath, it aint tight enough' - this seemed to be the credo adopted by my mother and her 3 sisters. All of them made me wear, take-off, wear, take-off, wear, take-off the wedding saree/blouses at least 8 times in the remaining 2 days before the wedding.

By this time, I am so ready to scream that normally hunky-dory cousins start tip-toeing around me for fear of setting me off. I am already off food for lack of privacy and there everyone from mom to aunts to papa to uncles - all want me to try this and taste that!! Aaaaaarrrrrgggghhh!!! (Leave me alone!!)

Part II to follow soon. Toodles.